The Middle Part, Becoming Mandy - Everything That Led Me to Safety (Unfinished)
**
Leamington
I took a drag from my cigarette, trying to get my mind to focus.
This is not where I wanted to be.
Apparently this house had a rat infestation before, so this was nothing.
My boyfriend liked to laugh at my lack of experience with rodents.
These weren't mice. There were moles.
What do I know?
Despite cleaning and trying to keep just the downstairs of the small home was proving to be impossible. I would wash the floor and Bernie would track mud with his boots through the house. I could feel my depression weighing on me. I couldn't accomplish the smallest of tasks without it getting ruined.
The house was chaos. The children ran wild. I was not their mother. I would never be their mother. They ignored me when I tried to keep them safe. It appeared they were accustomed to roaming around this yard that resembled a garbage dump.
My mind kept flashing back to a gynecology appointment a few years prior. My family doctor in Hearst had sent me to Timmins. I had waited in a crowded waiting room for a good thirty minutes to be seen and dismissed within less time.
"You have a considerable amount of scar tissue. You may never be able to carry a pregnancy to term." I was told I couldn't have children of my own.
Maybe in time, these little ones would accept me as a friend and a source of guidance. I wasn't sure but this is why I decided to give Bernie a chance. He had something I was told I could never have for myself. He seemed eager to introduce me. I wasn't sure how I felt about him but I decided to give it a try.
I sat and thought about my current predicament. It wasn't where I wanted to be.
In this house all day. Trying to clean it up after years of neglect.
Christine Magdelana.
Christine had stolen money from my safe. I thought it was odd that she came into the Walmart McDonald's mid-shift the way she did. I had seen her go into my safe. I was told not to object to my supervisor going into my safe. At close, when I counted my deposit, it was $100 short. I left a note.
Andy was the restaurant owner for the McDonald's in Leamington. He had just bought the restaurant from the previous owner who had hired me.
I was told I only had a week to replace the money.
I had loan payments and car payments. I had my mother taking money out of my account. I didn't have the money to replace it.
Most importantly, I didn't steal it.
I didn't steal it.
Why do I have to replace it?!
I barely could afford to live!
I knew it was wrong but I was in a tight spot.
I pulled an overing to balance my safe.
I didn't steal but it wasn't the right solution either.
Not being able to replace the money had put me in a spot where I was being fired.
I had no way out of this.
I couldn't replace the money taken from my safe.
Not the brightest moment of my life but without it, I wouldn't have grown into the person that I am today.
I thought I knew why Christine did it. The trucker she had a crush on and had kept gawking about was the fisherman I was living with now.
Six weeks after my employment was terminated, Christine was caught stealing a deposit from another manager's safe. She was fired on the spot.
I would never see her again.
They have a name for this.
Karma.
I still had payments.
I needed to find work.
I pulled together my resume and started dispersing it everywhere I could think of being hired.
I had an interview with Wendy's.
I had an interview with Seven-Eleven.
I ended up taking a position with KFC.
I worked as many hours as they would let me work. I would start at 10 am and run all the way until close at 10 pm. I preferred being at work. The house where I lived was not a place I could handle being in for very long. It overwhelmed me to the point of shutting me down. It was too much. Just too much of everything and none of it belonged to me. I couldn't toss it. I had been warned. This was his house. I worked to pay off my loans and looked after his children as best as I could. I had rules to follow. It wasn't anything new for me so I just went along with it. I've lived under rules my whole life. This was no different.
I would get home to this dirty yard that was filled with dangerous equipment. One corner had palets stacked up half hazardously into several piles. I would panic seeing the children climb this rickety pile. I was told I was too protective and I was dismissed.
One April night I was driving home from work after closing the restaurant. I started feeling really nauseous. I was vomiting from the driver's window. I made it to a small plaza where Scotiabank was located. I needed to check my balance.
I started vomiting coming out of the car.
I was able to go in and withdraw the cash that I needed.
I didn't know what was wrong with me but I didn't think I would make it home.
**
Um, what?
Bernie was on the phone with his sister Evelyn. He was in the bath. She was asking him questions about my appearance. Somehow they decided I was pregnant. I left the bathroom laughing. Yeah. Okay. I was on my period.
I was due for a checkup at the Health Unit. Being unable to find a family doctor, I had accessed the sexual health clinic at the local Health Unit in order to be on birth control. I was told I couldn't carry a pregnancy to term however, it didn't mean I could not get pregnant. Maybe it could happen and I would suffer another miscarriage. I wasn't willing to go through that experience again. I started birth control. I took it every day. At the same time. As the nurse practitioner had instructed.
The following January I had been sick with some type of chest infection that triggered my asthma. I had gone to the walk in clinic above the grocery store as it was accepting new patients. I was prescribed antibiotics and cortico-steroids. I was able to get it through my benefits from McDonalds.
No one warned me that antibiotics could affect birth control.
Fast forward to April.
I went in to see the nerse practitioner at the local Health Unit for a pregnancy test.
It came back positive.
Um...what?!
I didn't miss one pill!
She ordered blood work and gave me information to look over. My head was spinning.
I'm pregnant.
"But I'm bleeding!" I insisted.
That's because the embryo is still not attached to your uterus wall.
You are at high risk of having a miscarriage with your history.
She ordered more tests. I had a lot of thinking to do.
I was still trying to process so much.
And now I was looking at another possible miscarriage.
My grandmother was gone. I had no one to talk to about this.
I didn't know what to do.
I was told to abstain from sexual activity, not to lift anything heavy and to rest.
I went to work after my appointment.
Stacy could tell something was off. She stayed quiet the whole shift watching me work.
She was my supervisor.
I got home late that night and went straight to bed.
I decided to avoid Bernie's advances until I had more information.
In the back of my mind, I remebered his warning.
"If you don't put out when I need it, I will either take it or I'll go get it somewhere else!"
That's real love right there.
I didn't know if I could stop him from "taking it".
As for getting it somewhere else...
Sure, save me the trouble but if I seem uninterested, then he could easily replace me.
I had to think things through.
Could I live like this long term?
**
I'll get it somewhere else and sleep at the corral!
The next night, he wouldn't listen to how having intercourse could cause the loss of this pregnancy. I spent part of the night curled up in the bathroom. The bleeding had gotten heavier.
At some point he came down and told me to come back to bed. I was angry and I refused.
He was trying to force me back in bed and I wasn't having it. He ran up to grab a few things and pushed past me at the bottom of the stairs.
Maybe this pregnancy would survive. My whole life I had felt nothing but abandonnement and I was tired of being alone. This child would give me something to live for while I figured out my life.
I stood at the bottom of the stairs as he yelled at me and told me how useless I was. He was enraged. I was pushed around, and I could tell he couldn't unleash his thoughts fast enough verbally. He began to stutter and nothing more came out. He slammed the door behind him and left in his truck spinning the wheels out of anger at me.
By that point, I was laying on the kitchen floor holding my breath waiting to see if he would come back. I thought he would come back. I could smell that garage/wet basement smell. I just lay there wondering why he would do this and then leave me alone wih his children. I eventually realized that it's because he knew I would never leave children alone. He knew I wouldn't abandon them to leave him. This became his new control tool.
I was often left in his home, with no access to a working vehicle, and with his children in my care. I couldn't go visit my friend Heather. I had no social life outside of his home and family. He would come home after dark, ignoring me and going to bed. I began sleeping in a lazyboy chair.
Stacey at work was a single mom. She told me just to make sure not to put the father's name on the birth registration. I considered the option. (Unfortunately, the paperwork was handed to me in front of him. He listed himself as the father.) I didn't really have anyone to help me figure this out. I knew this situation would get worse over time. I didn't want to go home. Steph and I were no longer on speaking terms. I had been living in isolation. My mother kept repeating, "you made your bed, now live with it".
**
I'm huge!
