Chapter 38: Glass Falls

As I sat in our family SUV, I was pinching my right leg. I was nervous. My mother insisted I go on this trip with my father. "Fais y donc plaisir un peu, tu es si bête avec lui!" she said. "Vas-y avec ton père."

So here I am. Sitting in the front passenger seat, grabbing at the skin around my right knee because it's what I do when I'm anxious. I pinch at my knees or I pinch at my toes.

I didn't want to be here but I have no choice in the matter. My mother insisted I go off camping in the bush with my father.

He turned right onto hwy 11from Hearst. We were headed for Glass Falls. 

I had heard the conversations from his previous trip with my little brother. My little brother brought his best friend Josh on his trip.

I had been sitting in the livingroom when the argument started. I brought the volume down on the television so I could hear them better. My brother was angry. My mother got in the middle as usual to mediate the situation before it escalates too far. "He was prancing around naked in the bush!" my little brother had cried to my mother. 

I was expecting the same bullshit which is why I didn't bring a friend on my trip. My father almost seemed disappointed. 

It'll be a cold day in hell before I bring anyone into this kind of trip. I know that bringing a friend wouldn't change the situation. Bringing a friend on this trip would not have made me safer. Even if I found a girl as big as Josh and as strong as Josh to befriend and take with me like my little brother did...I still don't think it would have made me any safer. It obviously hadn't worked for my brother.

We reached Mattice. I was surprised to see my father turn. The fire station and the library were together in the same building I think. I never actually made it to the library like my paternal grandmother had promised the one time she babysat me and my little brother. He turned left on a road right after that municipal building. It had one of those curved driveways. I had really been dissappointed when we didn't end up going to the library. I really love books. Just the feel of the paper between your fingers. And every book had a different smell to it.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I just need to pick up something quick." he said.

We didn't go down the dirt road very far. It ran parallel to the highway and then it curved away. In the middle of this curve sat a house.

My father parked away from the driveway. He walked down maybe 100ft of road before reaching the driveway. He dissappeared into the house. He wasn't there five minutes when I saw him heading back to our car.

I watched him tuck something into his pocket as he started walking towards to car.

He opened the door to get in.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about." he answered.

On the outskirts of Mattice, Ontario heading East on hwy 11, on the right hand side, a few miles out past the road to the dump is a road. Barker road I think. He drove for what felt like forever until at some point he turned right. Another 15 minutes after the turn, the road comes to an abrupt end. To the left of the end of the road was an area people would park their vehicles to continue the trip with their ATVs. The trail continued through the forest past the huge 8 foot drop where a bridge used to be with culverts coverred by dirt at the bottom.

This trail leads to a place the locals refer to as "Glass Falls". It's an actual spot along the Missinaibe River with falls where locals like to camp out. I had been down this road before but not like this, not with all of this equipment. I brooded in my seat looking around seeing how no one was in the area. "Fuck!" I thought.

The nearest house was way back there. I kept trying my best to memorize the route back realizing that it would take me days to walk back to safety.

I thought for sure he would park the 1990 black Toyota 4Runner and that he would make me walk with gear like he did with my little brother. I was going to find a good time to take off. Drop the gear and just go. Dissappear into the bush. Run. Doesn't matter if I get lost. Just run. I don't want to be here. Fuck! 

He stops the SUV at the end of the road near the edge. He steps out. He goes to the edge of the drop then looks back at me. He gets back into the vehicle and puts it in L gear. I'm thinking no fucking way! The vehicle starts slowly moving over the edge of the drop. I'm holding on to my seat terrified. What if the culverts can't hold the weight of this vehicle? It's packed! Plus the small parcel we picked up on the way out here. He put that in his front pocket. Drugs probably.

This is more than 45 degrees! What the fuck!

Omigod omigod omigod omigod! This is how I'm going to fucking die!

"I wouldn't want you taking the keys and getting any ideas about taking off when I fall asleep." He says.

What the fuck went down on my little brother's camping trip?!!

The culverts held the weight of the vehicle. I was astonished. There would be no Wreckers to save me. As he slowly climbed up the other side onto the ATV trail, I began to shake and cry. That was it. He said it would take days to walk back out to the highway. He reminded me, "Stay really close because of bears and Timberwolves in the area.". 

Apparently I would most likely get killed running into wild life.

As he kept driving, the trail narrowed and branches began hitting the vehicle, reinforcing how trapped I was.

We got to a clearing by the river. 

Once I was told this river, the Missinaibi river, goes all the way to the United States.

The water in this river has a brown tinge to it. Kind of like beer. The water flowed rapidly through the area. The falls were near but we didn't quite make it to Glass Falls. The trail was too thick with brush to keep going.

My father parked the car and got out.

I stayed in the car brooding and stalling.

He opened the back hatch to our 4runner and started pulling stuff out.

I got out of the car. 

I took the time to look around. The area was beautiful. The water was still the colour of beer this far into the wilderness. That river was weird I thought.

The area was sandy like a beach. There was a rock formation seperating some of the river water flowing. The water was sort of pooled in front of the sand by that rock formation and it was excluded from the high flow of the river as it neared Glass Falls. The rock formation curved up onto the land, creating a natural bench of sorts. There was a big tree providing shade nearby.

It's where my father put the cooler, in the shade.

By now the tent was sprawled out on the ground waiting for poles.

I went to help.

We made small talk as we put the poles through the fabric and began bending them to get the bottom of the pole into its sleeve.

We had a 4 man dome tent. The maroon and grey tent was pretty old by then. We'd been using it as a kids' tent for years. It was used for me and my little brother at first. We slept on our lawnchairs in there. Mine had been orange with ugly monkeys on it.

I tossed my sleeping bag in.

I had brought my mummy bag that went to -40.

It was thick and plush. I didn't need a mattress. 

My father was blowing up his air mattress using the car lighter for the air pump.

He set up a metal folding table next to the cooler. He was looking to set up a tarp over the dining area but there wasn't enough trees close by that area between the car and the rock ledge coming inland from the river rock formations.

He did set up a rope to hike up the cooler in the tree by the rock formation for at night. Bears.

I prefer bringing a mesh bag tied to a rope to throw in the river to keep my food cool. No need for ice. Just keep everything in tight waterproof containers.

He went back to his mattress. 

It was ready. My father tossed his big double mattress in and his sleeping bags on top. He brought both of his sleeping bags. They connected together. Weird.

Now that everything was set up, I was sitting on the rock formation looking through my bag. I wanted to listen to music and write.

I wanted to write a story of my own. I wanted to write about my future like my friend from school. Maybe I could imagine something great for myself. 

I looked over and my father was naked.

I took my headphones off.

"Gross! Dad! What the hell?!!" I started.

"There's no one around for miles." he reminded me, "Now your turn. You get naked.".

"No!" I told him firmly.

"Don't be a prude!" he warned.

"I'm not taking my clothes off!" I told him. 

"Cheapo!" he started, then "Take your clothes off I said!" more firmly.

There was no way I was getting naked like this in the bush. Fuck no.

There were two fishing poles up against the side of the car. 

I opened the door to the back of the vehicle. Looking for something. 

A weapon. 

Fucking anything.

We had these skewers for the campfire.

They were on the floor mat in the back.

I grabbed one.

I was about to put an end to this trip.

You wanna go camping mofo?

I shut the car door over rhe fishing poles, effectively breaking them in half 

"Hey! Those are my sister's! They belong to your Aunt Annie and Jeff! You're gona have to pay for that!" he yelled.

I walked towards the tent and started breaking tent poles.

He started running towards me. I ran around the back of the tent trying to break poles as I grabbed at the tent.

Everything escalated quickly from there.

Still holdong on to my skewer, I was on the sandy beach cursing and then somehow, I was holding the shewer to his throat.

He was sitting on the rock formation as I held a skewer to his throat.

Is this really happening? I thought. Fuck!!!!

What the fuck do I do now? I can't kill my father! What in the actual fuck.

He moved.

I added a little more pressure to the skewer poking against his neck.

"We are going home!" I told him.

He tossed something into the river.

"Good luck getting out of here without the car keys!" he said.

He had to be joking.

But what if he's not.

Was it a rock or was it the car keys he tossed into the river?

"Go on!" he goaded me, "Push it through my throat! I'll bet my life that you can't do it. You have to push hard. There's a lot of cartilage and bone in the neck."

I trembled holding this skewer against his neck. 

"There will be a lot of blood. There might be gurgling sounds as I breathe. I won't die, at least, not right away. You better make sure you can run!" he kept talking.

I could feel the nervousness in his throat as he spoke.

But he was right.

I'm not a killer.  Despite everything he had done to me through the years and knowing how bad this was about to get for me, I just couldn't bring myself to push the skewer through his throat. 

Fuck!!!!!

I stayed there like this, holding my skewer hard against his throat. I was dusk now.

I didn't know what to do. It got darker.

I was frozen with fear, overwhelmed as my brain scrambled to come up with options.

I dropped the skewer and took off running. 

I went around our vehicle back onto the trail and I ran as hard as I could.

I came up on a swamp. There was nowhere left to run in this direction.

He was coming up on me fast.

I turned around.

I felt something hit my head hard.

I blacked out.

I remember bits a pieces after this.

It was dark. Pitch black. I could hear myself crying. He was on top of me.

Forcing himself on me.

"Keep crying!" he instructed, there's a bear right outside our tent!"

I blacked out.

I remember feeling sick trying to look for the car keys in the river the next morning.

Everything was overly bright. I felt light headed. And like I had a fever. Flushed.

The next thing I remember I was home. I had bite marks all over my breasts. They were the same as that last time. 

The bottom part on the bite.

My father had a top denture but not for the bottom, he had 6 front bottom teeth.

I saw that in the bite marks.

He had bit my nipples so hard they were swollen and crusted thickly in blood.

I treated them with polysporin and lined my bras with kleenex.

I was to embarassed to show anyone.

This was going to take a while to heal, is all I could think about.

My last paycheque from McDonald's was given to my Aunt Annie for the broken fishing poles.

I had been told I would be able to keep my last pay cheque but given my behaviour, it was taken from me.