Final Chapter: Mathieu Remembers but it's too late
My baby brother reached out Sept 2021
but to me, my mother operating like Windows 94 is still not an excuse.
I think he talks a lot of shit to justify using drugs. It's true there are studies out there, all done in controlled clinical trials. I wouldn't suggest trying psychedelics without being under the clinical supervision of a licensed care provider. My brother choses to live under the guise of drugs and alcohol. He sounds more and more like my father every time he reaches out; the world's finest shit talker!
Somewhere around here I told him that he might not remember everything and that he needs to get supports in place...
So then, if I don't know you and you don't know me, why reach out at all?
and then I re read and lost my shit too.
He just doesn't understand my sacrifice. He never will.
This was my answer to him about him coming back into my life.
To which he took time to answer me with this...
Despite a low IQ, she still knew right from wrong. Her parents were foster parents. It's not like she had nowhere to go.
My meds are all prescribed. I rarely drink alcohol. I'm doing the work to get better and heal. I can't have this kind of crap in my life.
I just can't.
He's wasting my energy.
I can't take the chance of having any of them around my kids.
I'm alone because both families (aunts, uncles and most of my cousins) chose to support my parents.
After seeing how both sides of the family treated me, I doubt my brothers will ever come forward. I can't say I blame them. Floating in the wind by myself all these years hasn't exactly been easy.
My only regret in life is taking the abuse for my brother. I should have spoken up and helped myself out. I have to let that regret go to move forward and I am.
To my parents and brothers...
Stay away from me. It's like Mathieu so eloquently put it; you don't know me anymore, so you have nothing to really say about me or to me.
I have no idea how my parents can look at themselves in a mirror every day. My Aunts and Uncles should be ashamed to be supporting them. I can't be around people that support my abusers. I have no intention of reaching out to anyone.
Letting any of my relatives into my life opens the possibility of my parents having access to pictures or information on their grandchildren. They don't deserve access. Another thing to consider is "how do I know my father's brothers are not like him?". It would be opening myself and my children to more abuse. They stood by my abusive child rapist father in court and for over 20 years now. My thinking is that my paternal family are all cut from the same cloth.
Child abusers and rapists. Sexual predators.
Don't pedophiles stick together?
In my mind, thinking of seeing my uncles is synonymous to a gang rape reunion. My father told me something about each of them and why they were worse than he was.
This one uncle tried approaching me once, shortly after my father was charged, at my work of all places! I ran away from him. Who knows what he would do to me for having his brother charged! Who knows what any of them would do! I ran through the restaurant to get away from him! You won't see me approaching my uncles! I don't know if my father's stories are true but I'm not about to take any stupid chances to find out.
My aunts never bothered with me. They would have had more of a chance at reaching me but you see, I never mattered enough to them for even one of them to check in on me. I was homeless in Hearst. Where were my relatives? I had Aunts and Uncles. 17 people dropped the ball or just didn't give a fuck. I can't fault cousins unless they already opened their stupid mouthes. My paternal cousins use this blanket statement "It's between you and your father."
The first time my father raped me, I was about 3 years old.
So it's between me and him? Do you know how hurtful that is??? Such an insensitive thing to say! I need to see a specialist to repair the damage. My whole life, sex has been painful for me. It has impacted every relationship I've had.
Yet here they are, supporting my parents.
I've had to monitor brain bleeds for years. I have delayed vision in my right eye from a damaged rod and damaged nerves. I took too many hits to the head.
Somehow I wanted this?
Looking at my records you will see I spent my adolescence in the emergency room. I was silently screaming for help the whole time! Check out my hospital records! Belly aches. Stomach aches. I actually gave myself a hairline fracture of the wrist with a hammer to get out of a karate event! I prefered breaking my wrist to going to a karate tournament!
That's how serious I was at trying to dodge my father.
Still no one picked up on my screams.
As an adolescent, I would cut my arms. My limbs were covered in scars and scabs that no one noticed. I was screaming for help but no one could see.
I had a spinal cord stimulator implanted under my brain along the trigeminal ganglion. I have vascular compressions to the nerve bundles under my brain from being hung upside down in a closet as a kid.
Yet here they are, still supporting my parents.
Clearly, I meant nothing to all of them.
Anyone who knows anything about C-PTSD knows that pushing people away is the first thing we do when we're in trouble. We don't seek out help. Anyone who has dealt with depression can vouch that it's not a condition where you feel like running out looking for someone to help you! You tend to isolate yourself and push everyone away. You deal with things by yourself.
I doubt it will ever be safe for me to come home. No one from my paternal family is safe for me to be around. They all stood by my abusers. My maternal family is a bit different, I know some of those relationships could be rebuilt for as long as no one pushes my mother on me. She is toxic to my mental health. Period. Don't ask me to pretend everything is good when it isn't. I had someone tell me "But she's your mother!".
Honestly, to me, the fact that she is my mother makes what she did that much more worse! I don't understand how people refuse to see that.
I'm strong and unlike my brothers, I'm not afraid to swim alone.