Chapter 74: Consolidation Loans

I walked into Scotiabank trying to see the mother of two kids I worked with. I had been told she could work magic! I needed magic at this point.
The loan officer was super helpful! She took the balance still owing on my student loans at the Caisse and she put it together with my new to me credit cards to give me a smaller payment.
I was impressed. 
And then she told me I could get extra money for a new to me car!
It wasn't enough to buy my boss' car, but I was thrilled just the same! I had found my way out of this mess.
Everything might just be okay.

Ricky's brother moved in with his grandparents and I. I had found this car on auto trader. Another Toyota. It was in my price range but it was in Sudbury. I asked my new roommate if he could come with me to help me bring it back. He seemed happy to help. I was so happy! He was becoming a good friend. So he and I left in a Tilden rental car for Sudbury to pick up my 1992 Paseo.
He followed me back in the rental car.
I was back on track. It needed struts and a few things to pass the safety check. I paid to have the work done. Ricky's grandfather didn't have a press. Within a few days, it was on the road and so was I! 
Plans to save up and leave resumed.
I went to the Guardian drug store in town and I bought a yellow duck similar to the one Mrs Young had loaned me that New Year's Eve of 2000. A yellow duck had brought me luck then and I needed one to do the same for me now. I kept him in the back window. 
Yellow is the colour of sunshine; it's always been my favourite colour!

I had recently had a legal name change. I didn't want any of the names my parents gave me. The government had been on strike so I never finished updating all my paperwork.
I made sure all my paperwork was in order before leaving.

I spent many nights looking at meanings of names and looking at my face in the mirror when I lived above Hearst Esso. One day, I came upon the name Mandy. The book I had said it meant "deserving of great love".  Keeping in mind one of my favourite movies, Field of Dreams "If you build it; they will come.", I thought the name suited me better than Valerie.
I knew I would need extra love and a lot of patience to succeed. 
I had high hopes that some day I would find my real family. A place where I would be made to feel like I belonged.
I just really wanted to have a place to go to where I finally feel like one of the group.
I have spent my entire life tearing myself apart to try and fit in a mold I was just too big to fill. It doesn't matter what I do or try, my family has never loved me. 
I even loaned part of my criminal injury compensation award to my little brother to get him out of trouble; money I desperately needed for myself at the time. My mother was forceful about the issue; she swore she would pay me back if he didn't. I did it because I loved him.
To this day, he has yet to pay me back.
He hasn't even tried.
My mother hasn't attempted to pay it back either.

***
Unlike my brothers, I can't pretend that none of this happened anymore. I tried. I had forgotten almost completely and then the memories came back with a vengeance. C-PTSD is not easy to live with. 

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