Chapter 4: The butterfly

"Tabarnak! T'es po capable de dessinée mieu que so! Argorre ben le papillion!" my father was screaming, slamming his hand against the counter. He was pointing at a picture in one of the many encyclopedias. His finger was hitting the book with enough force to make a sound and a small impression in the paper.
I looked down at my paper. I looked at my black lines.
I looked up at the book.
Maybe it needed more colours. 
No matter how hard I tried, my black lines didn't match the ones in the picture.
He wanted me to make a precise drawing of the monarch butterfly.
I was 4 years old.
I was in kindergarten. 
He grabbed me by the neck and dragged me to my bedroom.
I could see the carpet rushing past under my feet.
He threw my little body into the bedroom. 
I shared a room with my little brother. 
I landed on the floor between our single beds.
My head hit the box spring to my bed but it didn't really hurt. It did but it didn't. I was scared. I felt anxious. I got right back up on my feet without even realizing it.
"Quand tu vo être prête pis que t'arrête de niaiser pour desiner ton papillon comme du monde, tu pourra manger!" he was yelling.
I sat in my bedroom crying. Dinner came and went. In the evening, my little brother came in holding cookies. My mother followed him in. They gave me cookies and milk.
As my mother was leaving, my father got a glimpse and he saw that I was eating. This, sent him flying into a rage. My mother took the cookies out of my hands on her way out the door. My bedroom door slammed shut.
I could hear my father yelling at my mother. 
I remember being hungry.
All through the night.
My belly hurt. My stomach burned. I remember going back to work on that butterfly early the next day.
Everyone was in bed sleeping when I pulled out a stool to sit at the kitchen counter. I grabbed my paper.
I was starving. 

Today, every time I wait for my grades to come in, I am anxious. I think of the butterfly and how hard I worked trying to make my black lines match. 
I gave it my all.
I gave it everything I had.

Popular posts from this blog

Final Chapter: Mathieu Remembers but it's too late

Image
My baby brother reached out Sept 2021 This was my answer to him about him coming back into my life. To which he took time to answer me with this... but to me, my mother operating like Windows 94 is still not an excuse. Despite a low IQ, she still knew right from wrong. Her parents were foster parents. It's not like she had nowhere to go. I think he talks a lot of shit to justify using drugs. It's true there are studies out there, all done in controlled clinical trials. I wouldn't suggest trying psychedelics without being under the clinical supervision of a licensed care provider. My brother choses to live under the guise of drugs and alcohol. He sounds more and more like my father every time he reaches out; the world's finest shit talker!  My meds are all prescribed. I rarely drink alcohol. I'm doing the work to get better and heal. I can't have this kind of crap in my life. I just can't.  ...
Read more

The first communion ring

I lost a ring. I was 6 years old. My mother had gifted me this ring at my first communion. It was gold with two raised hearts and one blue topaz birth stone. The hearts had designs engraved into the surface. It shone very brightly. When I got home for dinner, my mother noticed it was missing from my finger. She was very angry. She started yelling at me. I was trying to remember where I had been. I was told that I wasn't allowed to come home until I found it. She took my bike. Told me I had lost it for the rest of the summer. My mother pointed at the darkening streets. Yelling at me to go find my ring.   I had been biking around the neighborhood playing with my friend. She knew everyone. I had met several new kids that day. I had no idea where the ring would have fallen off.  My friend had gone home for dinner as I searched frantically everywhere I had gotten off my bike to play that day. I went to see if she was done with her dinner a few times as I kept searching. It was...
Read more

Chapter 38: Glass Falls

As I sat in our family SUV, I was pinching my right leg. I was nervous. My mother insisted I go on this trip with my father. "Fais y donc plaisir un peu, tu es si bête avec lui!" she said. "Vas-y avec ton père." So here I am. Sitting in the front passenger seat, grabbing at the skin around my right knee because it's what I do when I'm anxious. I pinch at my knees or I pinch at my toes. I didn't want to be here but I have no choice in the matter. My mother insisted I go off camping in the bush with my father. He turned right onto hwy 11from Hearst. We were headed for Glass Falls.  I had heard the conversations from his previous trip with my little brother. My little brother brought his best friend Josh on his trip. I had been sitting in the livingroom when the argument started. I brought the volume down on the television so I could hear them better. My brother was angry. My mother got in the middle as usual to mediate the situation before it escalates too...
Read more